Dark Heresy: Prey

This game has been moved to my dedicated game blog, Radio Hereticus (link following soon)

The Scarlet Gospels Review

To say that I am a fan of Hellraiser is like saying that the ocean is slightly wet. As you might have gathered both from my own creative works, and the other posts on this blog, I'm a big fan of body horror, and Hellraiser does body horror like very few others. I devoured the Hellbound Heart (the Novella by Barker that started it all), and the first two Hellraiser movies, that had an amazing mythos, fantastic acting, amazing practical effects, and a surreal, vivid, and above all, visceral vision of Hell that made me want more.

Unfortunately, that's what we got. Hellraiser, more than any other slasher film, has had the most stupidly unrelated sequels to date. Whereas even Jason X and New Nightmare, while radically changing the premise and tone of their predecessors, at least had the decency to be ABOUT Freddy and Jason, the Hellraiser sequels actually mostly started out as independent horror movies, that got adapted into the Hellraiser 'franchise', presumably so Doug Bradley could reassure the world that he was still alive. It's kind of obvious why Clive Barker felt the need to take control of the character again.

As for Mr. Barker, I've read some of his fiction, and most of it has been really good. As I mentioned earlier, I loved Hellbound Heart, and he's one of those rare writers that can take even a rather silly premise like Mr. B. Gone (an autobiography of a demon in a weirdly mundane vision of Hell) and make it unsettling. I'm currently reading 'The Great and Secret Show,' which relates a bit to this book, being part of the 'Barker magician universe' with Harry D'Amour of Lord of Illusions fame. I'm less of a fan of his young adult fantasy stuff (which he seems to like way more than his more visceral horror works), but that's not to say they're bad, just that they're not my thing. So imagine my excitement when I heard that Mr. Barker was finally going to do his long awaited sequel to Hellbound Heart, with what he declared will be the 'final Pinhead story', The Scarlet Gospels.

Jesus wept indeed.

Alright, so to start off, the hype for this book was legendary, even among the horror community. Barker promised quite a few things that he didn't really follow through on, much to the detriment of what could have been an amazing narrative. This book, the long awaited death of Pinhead (and his showdown with Barker's re-occurring protagonist Harry D'Amour) was supposed to be so final that no Hollywood director would dare resurrect him. It was supposed to give Pinhead's actual hellish moniker, to replace the one that Barker felt didn't give the character enough gravitas (which I actually agree with). It was supposed to feature Pinhead meeting an adolescent Harry D'Amour. Exactly none of that happens in the book. This was apparently supposed to be a doorstooper, a thousand-plus pages that got reduced to barely over 400 in the final product, which tells me that either the original manuscript was even more of a mess than this one, or that Barker needs to fire his editor.

So, the book actually starts out really good, showing Pinhead slaughtering the last of the Earth's magicians and stealing their shit. Magic is later on shown to be a really powerful force, powerful enough that Pinhead uses it to one up, like, everyone he meets, so how the fuck he did this, I have no idea, but it's neat, visceral and gruesome. He spares one guy to become his pseudo-Cenobite flunky, and shows the audience that he absolutely hates his nickname. The problem is, the book gives him no better moniker than the Hell Priest, or the Cenobite. Confusingly, this is neither the breathy, feminine Pinhead from Hellbound Heart nor Elliot Spencer of the movie-verse, because he's implied to be much, much older, making this just another inconsistency. Oh right, before we go on, this is in no way related to Hellbound Heart, except for a brief cameo of some of the movie Cenobites, and the realm they come from is explicitly called Hell (I know it is in the movie, but I think the original novella was more ambiguous. This I will concede even I couldn't remember. It's been awhile since I read it.)

It's also like....a billion times less cool than Hellraiser 2's Labyrinth.

So Harry D'Amour's story starts out when he's visiting his friend Norma Paine (really), a blind lady who can speak to ghosts. He gets sent on a quest involving a familiar puzzle box and gets wrapped up in Pinhead's whacky hijinks. At some point, Pinhead picks Harry to write his Scarlet Gospels and kidnaps Norma to make him chase them into Hell.

I need to stop at this point and explain Hell for the viewers at home. Gone are the extradimensional, viscera strewn halls of the Labyrinth, so beautifully shown in Hellraiser 2. Gone is the 'eternal tempest of black birds and flapping wings' from Hellbound Heart. Hell, here referred to as Pyratha, is just kind of.....a city. Apparently Lucifer himself built it to upstage Rome (yeah, Lucifer's in this book. That's another giant bag of dicks we'll get to in a minute) and it's really.....like kinda boring. I think the implication is supposed to be that this is set in Mr. B. Gone's Hell, with the Cenobite monastery being just a small and particularly horrible part of an otherwise pretty mundane (if spoooooky) plane of existence. Oh right, and they're no longer 'angels to some, demons to others', the Cenobites are just an order of torturers and that's that.

It's hard to describe just how fucking lame that is. The entire draw of the Hellraiser series is, shock of shocks, the fear of being dragged to Hell. Here, Hell is literally just a place. Harry and his group of superfriends (named the Harrowers for literally no reason) just kinda walk into the place. There's a slum district of the Damned, where, in typical Barker fashion, he confirms they fornicate occasionally, just in case you were curious. There's a tribe of inbred fallen angels (really) which sounds like it could be really cool, but they just end up being weirdos with funny voices. There are some really nice bits, I'll concede, like a mist that basically turns anyone caught in it into the Thing, but these sections are few and far between. Hell even has fucking POLICE OFFICERS, in purple uniforms, no less, guiding the traffic.

Explorers in the realms of pain and pleasure indeed.

So.....remember these guys? The Cenobites? Like, they were pretty cool right? Like, cool enough that the entire FUCKING FRANCHISE was based around them? Well, spoiler alert, because Pinhead kills them all with his L33T H4XXOR magic powers. Apparently no one in Hell has any kind of defense or study of magic, because Pinhead gets fired over learning it, and retaliates by making some origami swans (which he had totally prepared from earlier) and sending them to kill all the Cenobites. I could not make this up if I tried. Barker was even nice enough to have cameos of the Female Cenobite and Butterball from the movies, just to confirm 'yep, they're dead, all right.' He wusses out at the end, of course, by saying that a few of them were out partying or some shit, so there's a few left.

At this point, I have to think that Barker really hates Hellraiser or something, and is just trying to piss off the fans. If he really thinks this stupidity is going to stop people from making more Hellraiser movies, then good God, he's more delusional than I thought. Completely gone is the Barker that redefined the horror genre, that tries to create horror both philosophical and visceral, this is an angry child throwing a tantrum and taking his dollies home with him. I have nothing more to say on this other than that it's weak, childish, and I expected WAY better.

I should probably talk a bit about D'Amour and his team right? So we have Harry, Caz, his magical tattoo artist who will not stop reminding us that he likes men, Lana, the required loudmouth Tsundere to balance out the sausage-fest and Dale, a flamboyant, gay psychic dude who speaks entirely in double-entendre and dick jokes. Really. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I despise homophobia, and I'm a big supporter of LGBTQ issues. Still, these guys traipse through HELL, and cannot stop flirting with each other for five, fucking seconds. I'd go on if they contributed more to the plot, but they don't. They just follow in Pinhead's wake, swearing a lot, flirting with each other and hoping Norma is ok.

Speaking of Pinhead, he probably gets the biggest shaft out of everyone here, to the point that I'd say Barker completely derailed his character. In every incarnation, Pinhead has been a figure of dignity, and in a weird way, honor, sticking to his rules and the rules of his order, something even Barker wanted to emphasize with his hate of the Pinhead nickname. So how does the Hell Priest act here? Well, he kills his entire order, for pretty much no reason, and reveals he's been planning this for a while. He literally punches and kicks the shit out of an old lady. Later on, he decides to rape her, for fuck's sake. I'm not saying these actions are too evil for him, because I don't think they are (like torturing someone for eternity is pretty much the worst thing you can do), but they're just so....crass. For a writer who wanted to restore his character's dignity, you pretty much did the exact opposite. It's actually genuinely easier to think of Pinhead as some other Cenobite with a similar body mod than the character he's supposed to be. Pinhead here is crude, breaks his word all over the place, and just plain silly. Oh, and his master plan, by the way? He wants to find Lucifer, Big L himself, who's been missing from Hell.

This picture says more than I ever could. Interestingly, it's also from a comic co-written by Barker.

So they cross a lake with a big demon centipede in it (I don't know) and find Lucifer's castle. Lucifer is at the bottom, and Harry finally catches up just as Pinhead finds out that Lucifer committed suicide millenia ago because he's an angsty bitch who is super hung up over his breakup with God. Pinhead is understandably a bit miffed and nicks Lucifer's armor and declares himself the new devil. All the other demons in Hell say 'lol no,' and he basically kills them all. Then Lucifer wakes up and he and Pinhead have a lightsaber fight.

I'm dead serious. Just re-read that sentence. Let it sink in nicely.

So Lucifer kicks Pinhead's ass, and decides he's done with this shit, and hits Hell's 'self-destruct' button, and Hell collapses. Harry and the idiot brigade find a convenient portal out. Pinhead doesn't and gets squished by a big rock. All that buildup for the legendary death of Pinhead, and that's the send-off he gets. Bra-fucking-vo, Barker. Bra-fucking-vo.

Harry and friends hijack some evangelical preacher's car (after we are assured that yes, he is a giant homophobe, so they leave him and his buddy in the middle of the goddamn desert). Harry is blinded, but it's cool, he can see ghosts now for whatever reason, and Lucifer decides to live a life away from Hell, picks up some chick on the road and nails her, and learns he likes pizza.

Wow, this all seems strangely familiar somehow, but I can't imagine why.

And that's the end. The frustrating thing is, this book is actually really well written, as you'd expect from a legend like Clive Barker. He's not a bad writer, and even when he comes up with plots as paper-thin as this, he still makes you want to keep reading. I really hope that this book was originally as enormous and ambitious as he says it was, and the poorly-plotted, miserable dreck I bought with the same title is an editing hack job. I want to believe that Barker has any kind of respect for his horror fiction, but this really feels like him spitting in the eye of people who like his horror works and going 'nyah, nyah, go buy my fantasy books, idiots.' I probably wouldn't be so mad if it wasn't Hellraiser, one of my absolute favorite horror movies he's fucking up. Say what you will about the sequels, and trust me, I have plenty to say, but man, not one of them just raped the franchise this badly. Pinhead, or what passes for him in this book, along with all of Barker's boring, urbanized Hell perishes here alongside his most enduring and imaginative horror icon, with not a bang, not even a whisper, just a bored sigh. I can only hope that he re-writes and re-releases it sometime in the future, or sticks to writing fantasy from now on.

- Kephn

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter Review

If this had been the poster art, at very least, it wouldn't be false advertising. 

Paul W. S. Anderson gets a lot of slack from me. He made Event Horizon and Pandorum, which I think, are two of the best sci-fi movies I've seen. As such, I tend to be a bit of an apologist for his work. Yeah, AvP was fucking abysmal, yeah, the Resident Evil movies are campy, stupid and ridiculous (in a completely different way to the equally campy, stupid and ridiculous games), but overall, when he hits, he hits hard. The obvious caveat to that, however, is that when he misses, oh boy does he miss, and today, we're here to dissect his newest bout of cinematic diarrhea, the apparent 'Final Chapter', of the Resident Evil Franchise.

So, if you've watched the previous RE movies (I had the misfortune of sitting through the last one in theaters one day when I had $20 to kill and nothing better to do), you may remember that the last movie ended on a cliffhanger. After Johnny Bravo, sorry, Albert Wesker turned Alice's psychic powers back on (after the again previous movie where they were turned off), they were about to do a giant last stand against the Red Queen and her army of zombies and other undead mutants.

 

So yeah, remember that? Any of that seem familiar? Well apparently, it didn't for the screenwriters, because this movie completely skips over that action sequence and just cuts to the white house being destroyed. No mention of Leon or Ada or even Jill in her RE 5 cosplay, and for all we know (or care really), the previous movies all easily could have been a fevered dream, because the first scene of relevance has the Red Queen (remember, the AI who wanted to use the army of zombies to destroy humanity) contacting Alice and telling her that she needs to save the last bastion of human survivors.

Meet the third creepy little girl to play the Red Queen, and no, she can't pull off a British accent either.

The Red Queen has calculated that the remaining bastions of human civilization worldwide has (exactly) 48 hours before the zombies kill them all. This, throughout the movie is treated more like a hard deadline than the obvious guestimation that it is, because Alice resolves the problem (spoilers whoops) with like a minute to spare, which leaves the amusing thought that only 3 people are left alive on the face of the Earth. She also tells Alice that there's a magical antivirus cure in the Hive (remember, that big facility in the first movie that they blew up), that will fix everything. That exact same facility that she sealed in and murdered everyone working at to stop the virus from getting out. You know, it's definitely one thing to be in a different canon from the games, but it takes a special kind of stupid to invalidate the entire goddamn franchise you're working on. Top fucking marks.

Which brings us to our next re-occurring character (the only one besides Alice, Claire and Wesker to reprise a role), Dr. Jorah Mormont , sorry, Isaacs, from the third movie. You may remember him from being cut into Tyrant-sushi at the end of that movie. Don't worry though, that was just a clone.

I'm the new main baddy, by the way, even though I was taking orders from Wesker.

Iain Glen, the actor who plays him, who clearly does not give a FUCK, is easily the best thing about this trainwreck, to the point that he squarely out-hams Wesker and boots him down to being his evil minion, despite being clearly outranked by him in the third movie. So, because cloning, there are several Isaacs in this movie, one of whom is doing his best impression of a baddy from Fury Road while riding around in a tank, followed by an army of zombies. The other is in the Hive, and finally revealed the Umbrella Master plan.

We're going to have to up our evil for the next quarter.

So, the previous movies (and games or something) may have left you with the impression that Umbrella wanted to sell its viruses. It may also have left you with the impression that they were trying to make superhumans by combining the T-Virus with Alice and cloning her or some shit. Well you sir, are completely wrong, because the grand, master plan of the Umbrella Corporation (now partially owned by Isaacs in his CEO boss form), is completely stolen from Pentex, except so stupid, that Pentex wouldn't touch this bunch of goobers with a miles-long pole.

So, as Isaacs explains, with heavy handed and out-of-fucking-NOWHERE Christian metaphors, The Umbrella Corp intends to put all its stockholders in cryo-pods, and DELIBERATELY release the T-Virus, so, and I'm quoting here, 'it will cleanse the world while leaving the infrastructure and resources intact.'

All according to plan!

The flashback board meeting then conveniently cuts off at this point, because there is literally no way to finish that pitch without sounding like a fucking imbecile. Even better, he isn't even the majority shareholder of the company, so somehow, he must've actually CONVINCED the rest of the board that this was a good plan, because they apparently were all for waking up 30 years in the future to an apocalyptic, undead-infested wasteland.

Now, the company (AGAIN) retcons who its shareholders are. Previously, you may remember Wesker leading a holographic meeting of the bigwigs of Umbrella, but here, he's demoted to Isaac's flunky. The actual head of Umbrella is no longer Wesker, or even Dr. Ashford from the second movie (or, in a huge missed opportunity, his daughter from Code Veronica), it's SURPRISE, Alice again, or more accurately, her original incarnation in old-person make up. (Oh yeah, Alice is a clone. Shock of shocks). She's named Alicia Marcus, apparently the daughter of the previously completely unmentioned James Marcus (who's a goofy, leech controlling opera-singer bad guy from RE 0), who okayed this project, but then felt super bad for it.

Where's my complete, global saturation?

So Wesker gets the biggest shaft in this movie. After being built up by both the movies and the games to be the biggest-dicked badass there is, with Kung-Fu matrix moves and Plaga powers (or something) to match the director's hard-on for Milla Jovovich, Wesker does quite literally nothing in this movie except smirk and sip brandy. He's in the Hive, managing the defenses, and apparently doing a very bad job of it, since he leaves the front door right open for Alice and co. to break in, and then turns off his death-traps after they've killed one member of the party, because it wouldn't be fair otherwise. Because the Red Queen can't directly harm Umbrella Employees he gets to order the Red Queen around, but then Alicia just fires him ('cause she can do that, apparently, despite him working directly for Isaacs), and the Queen unceremoniously crushes him with a door. Say what you want about his death in RE 5 being anticlimactic, but fuck, at least he got to put up a FIGHT there.

So Isaacs, the new final boss, then reveals he's not content with stealing from one video game franchise, and shows off his Adam Jensen implants to kung-fu fight (I think depowered? It's hard to keep track) Alice. They go into the laser hallway (because these movies are never fucking done with the laser hallway), and he tries to kill Alice, recreating the scene from the first movie where the team gets sliced to pieces, except he conveniently forgets the laser grid pattern that kills both the team leader and HIM, from the previous ones.

I want a do-over.

Alice then gets her fingers cut off, but ho-ho! it was just a trick from sneaky old Alice, to plant a live grenade on Isaacs, (like literally, not half a meter away from the ONLY SAMPLE OF THE FUCKING ANTIVIRUS HE HAS IN HIS COAT), which gives him an ouchy stomach wound, but then he teleports outside, and his disgruntled clone finishes him off before being eaten by zombies.

So the movie ends with Alice cracking the antivirus open on a rock, (with, as mentioned before, minutes to spare from the last of the human race dying), blows up all the rich douchebags who wanted this to happen, and uploading Alicia's memories into her own mind, so she can be a real girl! Despite its status as the 'no, for reals guys, FINAL CHAPTER,' the movie ends on sequel bait, where she says that it will take a while for the antivirus to spread, and that her fight isn't over, while being chased by bat-monsters from RE 5, who for some reason, haven't been killed by the antivirus.

THIS MOVIE IS A FUCKING TRAIN WRECK, and really, there are plenty more pieces of stupidity that I didn't mention (like them setting an apartment building on fire, which was mentioned moments before to be filled with survivors). Still, everyone involved clearly did not have a single shit to give, and the end result is just this ridiculous montage of everyone trying to put on a more over-the-top performance than everyone else. I know the RE movies are hardly 'high art', but this is one of those special breed of movies that just gets more ridiculous with every line and actually punishes people who remember anything about the others.

I would recommend illegally downloading this movie, if only because of Iain Glen and Wesker, because they are absolutely fabulously hammy supervillains who spend the entire movie trying to out-snark each other. Let's hope that the title doesn't lie and that all these (clearly talented) actors can get on with doing something worthwhile.

FINAL SCORE: 1/5 

- Kephn

Tally ho neighborinos!

I know I keep promising every year to update the blog, and I will, but at the moment my writing just hasn't been concerned with RPG's. That isn't to say I won't touch this blog again, it's just that at the moment my personal and professional life don't give me a huge amount of time to game, or write about it.

For those of you who have enjoyed my works of fiction in the past, I invite you to peruse my new blog, The Grimoire Grotesque, which is a catalogue of my written prose works, mostly of the short, horror fiction variety.

Don't worry, RPG fans, I haven't abandoned this blog, but I am re purposing it for more casual stuff, nerdy rants and reviews and the like. Expect to see articles about RPG's here and setting material, but that's all when I come up with inspiration and time for it, and it is unfortunately not my first priority.

What I'm trying to say is that, while the posts will be more erratic and fluctuating, I am not giving up on this blog, but expect the output to take a while, as I am committed to only putting things on the internet that I'm personally proud of.

Best regards, and thank you for understanding. Watch this space for more roleplaying goodness (I have a few ideas for characters and articles soon.)

- Kephn

My Settings: Aztlan, The Fifth World

Aztec Mythology, ever since I was a child, has fascinated me. As you can probably guess from reading this blog, I'm a fan of horrifying things, and there are few mythologies in the world that can equal the sheer death-metal-crazy of the ancient Mexica religion. Because of this, I wanted to put together a Dungeons and Dragons setting based on Aztec mythology because I enjoy the ambiguity of it. DnD has a very cut-and-dry morality, Good gods are nice and kind and evil gods are colossal, world-devouring dicks. Aztec Mythology is built on a kind of moral ambiguity, because the gods demand many horrible things from their supplicants, but usually at least try to help their supplicants. They defend the world from eldritch monstrosities far worse than them, and in the interest of that goal, aren't a few hundred human sacrifices a small price to pay for the continued existence of the cosmos? Aztec Mythology is based on a bloody system of worship, but if it genuinely is the only system we have, is it worth preserving?

This, like all of DnD as a whole is a fantasy setting, and is not meant to be an accurate representation of Aztec Mythology any more than Greyhawk or Forgotten Realms tries to be an accurate representation of medieval theology. It tries to capture the spirit of Aztec Mythology though, and if it does interest you, and make you want to know more, Wikipedia and TVTropes are more than happy to share. It's actually a good idea to take  a gander at those pages anyway, especially if you want some context as to what's going on.

This setting is called Aztlan, named after the mythological homeland of the Aztecs. It has Aztec gods and most of its magic is rather bloody.

Important Disclaimer: Aztec Mythology is one of the most complicated, contradictory and outright schizophrenic myth cycles in the world, to the point that scholars today are debating over the fine points of it. Gods had multiple titles and avatars, each with their own different powers and portfolios, and confusingly, some of those titles are directly named after other gods (both Quetzalcoatl and Xipe Totec are referred to as Tezcatlipoca in different contexts) and the vast majority of it is filtered through the lens of the Spanish who conquered them. Basically what this means is, this is not an accurate representation of Aztec Mythology, but I have tried to stay true to the spirit of the myths, with the emphasis on duality, debt, necessary evil and the duty of mortals to avert catastrophe through any means necessary. I've taken the bits I like and adapted them to make what I think is a cool campaign setting. I have included links to all the Wikipedia pages on the respective gods and entities and the cultural things I'm using so that readers can browse them at their leisure and see what the ancient Aztecs actually thought of them, outside of a fantasy context.

Cosmology and Gods

The creation myth of the Aztecs is outlined in both the above links, so I won't rehash it here, but suffice to say, the setting is called the Fifth World for a reason. Worlds are fragile and delicate things, and the two chief gods Quetzalcoatl and Tezcatlipoca have seen at least four pass before this one. Each world was ruled by a god, fully, the first two by Tezcatlipoca and Quetzalcoatl themselves, and each time, errors in judgement, hubris, and the follies of the gods have seen their suns extinguished and their worlds devoured by the Abyss. Tezcatlipoca and Quetzalcoatl decided that this new world would be different, and would be free from the mistakes of the past, and these two mortal enemies put aside their differences to create something new and better. They sowed the bones of dead gods like wheat, stolen from the underworld, and from their blood and sacrifice, created mortals. 

While keeping the outer planes and the standard DnD cosmology (Sorry, Planescape fanboy. Old habits die very hard), the campaign setting is a primarily forest-based continent, with different neighboring kingdoms constantly at war. The gods differ in several ways from mainstream DnD gods. Firstly, while the gods may not like each other, may not always work together, and in some cases may be downright malicious and evil, all of them want to keep the world existing. Gods will have enemies, but humbled by the foes Quetzalcoatl and Tezcatlipoca putting aside their differences, it is against their nature to seriously threaten the cosmos. Even the most evil and depraved gods will stand aside their good counterparts to defend the Prime Material, their masterpiece, from the ravages of demons and devils and other monsters, and their clergies will fight to keep their civilizations and worship going. As such, Good and Evil work in different ways in this universe. The spells Detect Evil/Good and Smite Evil/Good become the much more simplified Detect and Smite Enemy. Simply put, the gods lend their power so that their followers can smite what the Gods themselves perceive as destructive to their world, and this changes for the wishes of each god. This is not to imply that the gods do not fight wars or have long lasting enmities, but when the world is truly threatened, the pantheon closes ranks and stands together.

One of the most controversial aspects of this world is the concept of sacrifice. Gods are powerful already, and even the weakest still has divine rank, however their enemies stand on almost equal, if not greater footing. The Tzitzimimeh, as well as demons, devils and worse abominations from the darkness of space or relics from a previous age wait for periods of cosmic instability to strike, and if they are ever successful, the world and everyone living in it, is doomed. The gods know this, and as such require a tithe from their mortal followers, in order to protect them. Most religious ceremonies in the culture of mortals requires sacrifice, for lives and blood are the most vital gifts mortals can offer the heavens, and it is only through these that gods can attain the world-shattering power to destroy their enemies.  Only Quetzalcoatl refuses sacrifice, for his clerics claim he is powerful enough to not need it, while his critics would say he is too weak to deserve it. 

Sacrifice is not an inherently evil act within this cosmology, as it ultimately benefits the cosmos. In addition, being sacrificed, even as an enemy, is an acknowledgement that one is a worthy enough gift to be offered to the gods, and is seen as an honor (at least by the sacrificers. The victims may have different opinions on the matter). Most good aligned deities will demand that their sacrifices be treated well and respected, having their whims catered to, and at times, to be treated as a living avatar of the god themselves. Evil gods will usually demand some form of horrifying torture before the victim is killed. All gods, however, will reward their followers for sacrifices performed in their name, as it grants them more divine essence to work their heavenly will. Animal sacrifices and sacrifices of crops and jewels will suffice for blessings and improved luck, but nearly all truly important religious ceremonies require the sacrifice of at least one or more sentient beings. All aside from Quetzalcoatl demand at minimum one sacrifice a month from its clerics or paladins, Failure to meet even this minimum will  result in rebukes, being stripped of powers, and with very grievous offenses, the god simply devouring the person's heart themselves. Being a cleric or paladin of a god is a serious task, and if one allows sentimentality or the morality of earth to get in the way of their duty to the divine, they were unworthy of the title in the first place.

Sacrifice is a very important part of the culture, because it offers the life and hearts-blood of the victim to a god, to be used to power the deity's abilities. The soul is sent off to a heaven to enjoy its afterlife, but its claim to life is forever forfeit. NO magic can bring back a sacrificial victim, either to the living world or to undeath, no matter how strong. Even deities cannot revive one. 

Below are some example Teotl, or deities to worship. Here are a list of Domains so I won't have to link each one. Domains, More Domains.

Quetzalcoatl

Alignment: Lawful Good

Divine Rank: Greater

Home Plane: Seven Mounting Heavens of Celestia

Portfolio: Dawn, light, wind, wisdom and crops. 

Domains: Air, Good, Knowledge, Sun

Favored Weapon: Sword

Symbol: A coiled, feathered serpent set against a sunburst.

Quetzalcoatl is by far the most popular of the Fifth World deities. Respected as a deity of the morning star, the wind and wisdom and honor, Quetzalcoatl is credited along with his arch-enemy, Tezcatlipoca with creating and maintaining the current world. Manifesting as an immense, draconic being known as the feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl is said to fly around the material sphere, directing the sun and guarding it from threat.

Quetzalcoatl is known as a gentle deity, and his clerics and followers preach an upholding of the law and the right of the wise and good to rule lesser men, making him quite a popular deity for rulers. Alone among the pantheon, Quetzalcoatl outright condemns the sacrifice of sentient beings, seeing it as an abomination, however his critics claim that he needs to get his power from somewhere, and some who seek to slander the deity claim he uses even less savory methods to maintain his rule. Quetzalcaotl is a guardian of high culture, and while he insures that society, the nobility and the high arts are respected and perfected, his high-mindedness can make him grating, and he traditionally does not pay much attention to mortal affairs, preferring principles to the actual, often dirty business of running a city (leaving that to Tezcatlipoca's portfolio). Still, cities in which Quetzalcoatl is worshiped are among the most just and cultured places in the world.

Quetzalcoatl gets along well with most other good or neutral gods, however, despises evil ones. He will stand beside them to defend humanity, but works to emphasize nobility, compassion and goodness wherever he can. As mentioned above, while he personally condemns human sacrifice, he will not deny that other gods need it, with Quetzalcoatlite cultures maintaining something of an uneasy balance with worshipers of other gods. Except in truly world-ending circumstances, Quetzalcoatl will never aid or even tolerate evil. 

Tezcatlipoca

Alignment: Chaotic Evil

Divine Rank: Greater

Home Plane: Windswept Depths of Gehenna

Portfolio: Darkness, war, chaos, magic and slaves

Domains:  Chaos, Darkness, Trickery, War

Favored Weapon: Dagger

Symbol: An obsidian mirror, ringed in smoke.

Tezcatlipoca is second only to Quetzalcoatl in popularity. Rather than goodness, nobility or compassion, Tezcatlipoca teaches that strength is the only power worth having. Tezcatlipoca is a god of chaos, a fickle and capricious deity. He views strife and adversity as tests, and is very eager to test his followers with disasters and misfortune, to weed the weak from the strong. Tezcatlipoca teaches that the world is a harsh and dangerous place, with no place for the soft or the merciful, and his followers are warlike and usually quite vicious.

Tezcatlipoca, more than any other god, is one of action, the reason he is so popular. While people may not like his tricks or bloodthirsty nature, he is rather widely accepted and praised as a necessary evil who will not protect his followers, but give truly horrifying fates to those who try to harm them. Tezactlipoca has slain many monsters that threaten the world, and is known to be the patron of rulers and slaves alike, with no distinction for social class or standing. To Tezcatlipoca, it doesn't matter where or how a person was born, only that they are strong and prove themselves, and in this aspect he will reward prince or pauper. The god is known as the smoking mirror, because a supplicant can only expect to take away what he brings to the altar. It is said that the god holds a fondness for slaves, and people, especially weak people who mistreat slaves will be cursed and tortured by him. One of his titles is 'He Who's Slaves We Are', acknowledging the debt mortals owe him. 

Tezcaltipoca is also known as a god of the night, and the darkness outside civilization, and as such, can be appeased for safe passage between cities or in dangerous environments. He is prayed to by soldiers to bless them in battle, and by scholars who seek perfection in their crafts. Despite all this, Tezcatlipoca is a dark and bloody god, and demands no mercy towards enemies of his chosen. Tezcatlipocans will usually slaughter all their defeated enemies, even prisoners of war for his honor.

Tlaloc

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

Divine Rank: Greater

Home Plane: Elemental Plane of Water

Portfolio: Storms, water, fertility and nature.

Domains:  Destruction, Strength, Water, Weather

Favored Weapon: Club.

Symbol: Stylized face of a toad, or a lightning bolt.

Ruling from his cloud fortress Tlalocan, on the border of the Water Plane, Tlaloc is known as the uncaring deity of storms, fertility and nature in all its aspects. A former ruler of the world before he personally extinguished all life with a rain of fire, Tlaloc cares little for mortal affairs unless it directly concerns the him. 

Because of his portfolio, Tlaloc is an important god in the pantheon, both for ensuring the growth of crops and repelling natural disasters. Tlaloc's anger is made known fairly obviously with massive storms, floods and lightning. His wrath is usually appeased with sacrifice, either monetary, or much better, of people. Sacrifices to Tlaloc are always drowned, and he particularly favors children being sacrificed in this manner, as they are pure representations of the human animal before being corrupted by civilization. As a god of nature, Tlaloc is offended when civilization encroaches too much upon the natural world and there are tales of huge lightning storms and monsters from the deep devouring cities that are too hubristic. 

Despite his violent nature, Tlaloc is not malicious, and will not seek vengeance unless actively slighted. He is ambivalent to empty prayers, but will pay attention when offerings are made. His nature makes him extremely important to an agricultural society, like those in the Fifth World. He is a patron of farmers, druids and barabarians, and others who pay respect to nature. His clerics and paladins are almost universally selected from those ranks.

Toci

Alignment: Neutral Good

Divine Rank: Greater

Home Plane: Blessed Fields of Elysium

Portfolio: Motherhood, life, fertility, healing.

Domains:  Animal, Community, Healing, Protection

Favored Weapon: Quarterstaff

Symbol: Two snakes facing each other, with black, stylized eyes.

A mother goddess, according to myths responsible for the birth of Quetzalcoatl and Huitzilopochtli, Toci began her existence as Coatlicue, mother of the gods and the earth. The birthing of the two powerful gods killed Coaltlicue, with snakes and serpents flowing as blood from her corpse, but she rose again as Toci, one of her avatars. It is said that Toci is a being of goodness and forgiveness, but also embodies life, death and rebirth. In this aspect, she is worshiped as the mother of all life on earth and a cleanser of sins.

Toci is strongly associated with blood, both in childbirth and spilled blood in death. She is also associated with bathing and water, as a way of purifying sins, cleaning wounds and washing away impurity. It is said that Toci, in her aspect as Tlazolteotl is capable of eating sins, purifying a soul bound for the hells and stealing it away to Elysium. Toci knows nothing of sin and is a being of mercy. She loves all her children, regardless of the wickedness in their hearts.

Toci is a popular god of clerics and midwives. Indeed, her often female clergy specialize in bringing children into the world and curing disease. Many are pacifists, but many more accept that some souls need to be sent to the heavens sooner rather than later. Sacrifices to Toci are treated with religious, loving awe, and are universally well regarded. When they are sacrificed, their blood is poured over the crops, granting the community with Toci's loving blessing.

Mictlantecuhtli

Alignment: True Neutral

Divine Rank: Greater

Home Plane: Negative Energy Plane

Portfolio: Death, the underworld, entropy and darkness.

Domains:  Darkness, Death, Destruction, Evil (Included more for the undead stuff than anything)

Favored Weapon: Sickle

Symbol: A bloodstained skull.

Lord of the dead, served by the psychopomp and hellhound Xolotl, Mictlantecuhtli is a god known and feared among the people of the Fifth World. He is known  as the ruler of Mictlan, the Aztlan name for the Negative Energy Plane, and is the progenitor and patron of the undead. Mictlantecuhtli is not an evil god, but he is a merciless one. He sees death every minute of every day, and any trace of empathy is gone from his dead heart. Mictlantecuhtli is a god that cares little for the affairs of life, but is said to be the judge of all souls.

Mictlantecuhtli is worshiped by Aztlans because death is an intrinsic and important part of the culture. Without death, there would be no change, and mortals would be unable to supply their divine spark to the gods. Death is seen as necessary, and in certain cases, merciful, and clerics and paladins of the death god honor him with ritual cannibalism. It's said that eating a defeated foe grants its power to the eater, and perhaps allows Mictlantecuhtli to judge the dead less harshly. Unusually, the death god cares nothing for how a mortal lives his or her life, only the manner of their death, and places their souls in the afterlife based on how much he enjoys their final moments.

Mictlantecuhtli has stern rules and wants death to be permanent. Any effect that brings the dead back to true life as a sentient being  requires a DC 20 wisdom check on behalf of either the summoner or the slain creature to unravel one of Mictlan's riddles to allow the soul to return. Mictlanteuhtli knows many rites to make death utterly permanent, and his clerics are well practiced in using disintegrate to ensure that their victims remain dead. 

Other than these five greater deities, the Aztlan are hardly a monotheistic people. Cities will often revere all of the 'big five' (with one usually taking prominence as the city's patron), and have dozens of smaller shrines to other deities. Listed here are a few others (there are literally thousands, so I can't list them all, but these are important ones that caught my eye).

Xipe Totec: True Neutral Intermediate god of rebirth, cycles and fertility. His sacrifices are required to be flayed, to symbolize the discarding of the old to make way for the new. His favored weapon is a short sword and his domains are Animal, Creation and Plant.

Xolotl: Neutral Evil Lesser god of death and lightning, undead twin of Quetzalcoatl and servant of Mictlantecuhtli. He is a god of death, darkness, sickness and monstrosities. His favored weapon is claws or a maul and his domains are Death, Madness and Fire.

Huitzilopochtli: Lawful Neutral Greater god of war, conflict, the Aztlan people as a whole and the sun. Huitzilopochtli represents the violent rebuking of forces that seek to harm the pantheon or its people, and is the staunch defender of the gods, standing on the front line against the Tzitzimimeh and their demon hordes. His favored weapon is a longsword (or swordclub) and his domains are Community, Destruction, Sun and War.

Huehuecoyotl: Chaotic Neutral Lesser god of trickery, storytelling, old age and bards. Huehuecoyotl is the primary trickster deity of the Fifth World, and lends his aid and wrath to people nearly at random. He is a patron and guardian of stories, making him very popular among bards, and manifests in the Prime Material Plane often to converse with his followers and start wars for fun. His favored weapon is a whip, and his domains are Chaos, Knowledge and Trickery.

Yacatecuhtli: Lawful Good Lesser God of Gnomes, traders and travelers, Yacatecuhtli is the god of commerce. Travelers will offer blood sacrifice to the god before they leave for an important journey, and often dedicate anything they kill along the way to him as well. His favored weapon is a spear or a machete. His domains are Luck, Protection and Travel.

The Sun and the Moon: While no longer gods, Aztlan myth maintains that the sun and the moon are the divine sparks of two gods who leaped into a bonfire when the earth was young. They are the ward against the fiends that threaten the Prime, and their light is all that keeps mankind safe. It is said that all mortals have a shard of the sun in their hearts, and when sacrificed, that shard rejoins the greater whole. 

The Tzitzimimeh

Where there are gods, there are those who oppose them, and the primary threat to the Fifth World are those creatures. Tzitzimimeh are creatures of primordial chaos, spawning life in the cosmos, and believing that it is their right to extinguish as they please. The Tzitzimimeh defy description, undead gods that lurk in the airless void between worlds, these monsters are heralded by a solar eclipse, leaving them free to descend and devour humans. Each Tzitzimimeh holds the power of a god, and each one brings plague, disease and death, and scores of hungry undead in its wake. Only the sun and the moon have the power to drive these monstrosities back into space, and only the gods can destroy them.

Tzitzimimeh hold no love for humans, and bide their time to exterminate them, the gods, and the pretender sun that dares to imitate their light. It is said by some that the Tzitzimimeh are female goddesses, and protectors of women, but in reality, the Tzitzimimeh only know that women look vaguely similar to them, and seeing things that look like them mistreated incurs their wrath. Protecting or respecting women, or indeed, even being a woman is no sanctuary from their wrath, and when they descend, they slaughter indiscriminately.

The origins of the Tzitzimimeh and their queen, the obsidan butterfly Itzpapalotl, remain hidden, even to the eyes of the gods, but what is known is that they are worshiped by demons, devils and yugoloths, whom they command. They slumber in the lower planes, only entering earth and taking the form of stars in preparation for an eclipse when they, and their armies of fiends descend and attack. Tzitzimimeh can be of any evil alignment, and often do not get along, but when their queen commands them together for an assault on the material world, they join ranks to reek havoc. 

Despite their vicious, evil and malicious nature, Tzitzimimeh are afforded respect by mortals, who often pray to them to avert their wrath. Tzitzimimeh may only walk the material world during the eclipse, and watch from the outer planes otherwise. As such, Tzitzimimeh may occasionally answer the prayers of mortal supplicants out of boredom and especially if it aligns with their goals and plans anyway. Everyone knows, however, that no matter how nice one of the skeleton maidens is being, when the time of the eclipse comes, all mortals, supplicant or not, are their prey. Their ultimate goal is to blot out the sun permanently and stop the flow of sacrifices, leaving the gods weak and vulnerable. Whatever they plan to do with earth, it involves the end of all life.

Society and Culture of Aztlan

Aztlan, despite its bloody focus on sacrifice and death has a rich and intricate culture. In the mostly jungle continent, there are many separate city states and tribes, many of them making war on each other. The demands of the gods are heavy, and it is rare to find a city that is not at least in some way prepared to fight. Cities have a somewhat feudal system, with a local ruler that pays a tithe in gold and slaves to the main ruling city in the area. There is nobility and learned people, followed by soldiers, then commoners, and finally slaves. Aztlan people actually treat their slaves fairly well for fear of angering their patron, Tezcatlipoca.

Women within the Fifth World are treated as being the equals of males. While it is generally accepted that men are warriors and women are childbearers and housekeepers, it is certainly not unknown or even frowned upon for a woman to walk the path of a fighter, especially in cities that strongly venerate Tezcatlipoca. Men and women are both equally likely to take the path of the wizard or sorcerer, as Tezcatlipoca, its patron, welcomes the strong regardless of gender.  Aztlan culture emphasizes learning and growth, and school is compulsory for all people, even commoners. 

All the standard player character races exist within Aztlan, and while they are all genetically different, in the eyes of the gods, they all fall under the same category, and that is as mortals. This is not to say that orcs and humans and elves all work together, rather that they are all aware that fiends target them equally, and that they all have a common ancestor and enemy.

Aberrations: Just as in all settings, Aberrations are the odd race out. They claim no divine master, and they claim no allegiance with the Tzitzimimeh. Different aberrant races are usually rampaging monsters, with the exception of Aboleths, who claim they are survivors of the flood that destroyed the Fourth World, and Mind Flayers, who are said to come from the future, the Sixth or even Seventh World, and are eager to end this age so that theirs can begin. Amazingly, both of these races of alien monsters will fight to repel the Tzitzimimeh, as they have no wish for the world to end before they conquer it.

Draconics: Dragons and dragonborn are one of the most revered races in the Fifth World. Their reptilian aspect leads many to believe that they descend from the gods themselves, or that they have some form of divine blood. Dragons are revered as avatars of Quetzalcoatl and other, reptilian gods, and dragonborn nigh-universally find themselves involved with the clergy. Dragonborn who are captured by neighboring tribes can expect the very highest level of treatment and honor, before they are sacrificed and 'returned to heaven.'

Dwarves: Dwarves, born of stone and soil are traditionally considered to be spawned from the spilled blood of Cipactli, the immense, water-dwelling beast that Tezcatlipoca and Quetzalcoatl slew in primordial times and whose corpse they used to make the earth. Aztlan dwarves tend to live near gold and silver rich places, where they mine the earth and work stone. Their weapons are legendary, and are capable of bleeding gods themselves, and their cities are often lined with gold and precious metals. Dwarves traditionally maintain one large pit, where they sacrifice gold and mortals to Cipatli, hoping to re-animate their primordial mother.

Elves: Elves believe they are the children of Quetzalcoatl, his chosen, divine race that inhabited the Second World where he was the sun and ruled over earth. Because of this, elves dislike Tezcatlipoca for ending that age, and resent younger races for taking their place as the chosen few. Elves, as children of the Second Sun have incredibly vast stores of knowledge, as unlike the First Worlders, they took steps to ensure that their records survived the catastrophe that ended their world. Drow elves, take a different approach. They see themselves as the children of Tezcatlipoca, lord of the First World and despise surface elves and other races, whom they believe they predate. Drow believe in testing themselves, facing the Smoking Mirror without fear, and believe that they are Tezcatlipoca's chosen race, with surface elves, ironically, being Quetzalcoatl's mockery of their divine form. 

Gnomes: Gnomes traditionally dwell in the forest, and are a mostly nomadic lot, rarely settling down in cities and preferring to stick together for protection against the hungry jungle. Traders by nature, gnomes feel at home with most other races. They are said to be under the protection of Yacatecuhtli, god of travelers and protector of merchants. Gnomes often make blood sacrifice to this god in exchange for good business and protection, and it is considered very unlucky to harm one.

Halflings: Primarily a peaceful, agricultural people, halflings keep their rural, farming communities far away from the warlike nations of man. They pay tribute to Xipe Totec, god of maize and the field, and traditionally Halfling villages are adorned with the flayed skins of their sacrifices. Halflings believe in the cycle of birth, death and rebirth, and their villages are often guarded by skinned undead, in homage to the Flayed God. Halflings only really venture into the cities of other mortals to trade in food and wares.

Orcs: Orcs are said to be blessed by Xolotl, god of monsters, as well as recieving patronage from Tezcatlipoca in the Fifth World. Orcs are a powerful people, and their civilizations, far from the crumbling libraries and tombs of the elves, are modern, advanced, and most of all, strong, as their patron would want them to be. Strength is the key here, and whether it be political, military or magical strength, orcs don't care. They strive to be the best at everything, howling their praises to Tezcatlipoca. They hold particular enmity for elves, the weak spawn of the plumed serpent and for the Drow, as worthless relics of a failed age, that their god has deemed too weak to live in the light. In the Fifth World, orcs rival humans and elves as the most powerful, enlightened and advanced civilization.

Tieflings: Tieflings, like in most settings are not a very popular people. Cursed and marred with fiend-blood, Tieflings are considered children of the Tzitzimimeh and their fiendish hordes. Unusually, despite the revulsion most people hold for them, Tieflings are never sacrificed, for fear of contaminating the heavens with their taint. For their part, Tzitzimimeh consider Tieflings half-breeds of fiend and mortal, and while they may support an entertaining one, they will never truly consider the mongrels as true children unless they find some way to discard their human frailty.

Story Hooks of the Fifth World

Some ideas to inspire and run campaigns in Aztlan. 

• The source of Quetzalcoatl's power is revealed. Rather than simply taking the lives and blood of mortals, and letting their souls go to their final rest, the plumed serpent's horrible secret comes out. Instead of accepting human sacrifice, he eats the souls of the dead as they come to his realm. How this secret gets out is up to the GM, but suffice to say, the other gods, even Tezcatlipoca is revolted at the serpent's actions. The world very quickly falls into more turmoil than usual, as the gods fight among themselves, Quetzalcoatlites claim that their way is the true way, and as the Tzitzimimeh smell weakness, another eclipse seems just on the horizon, with not enough sacrifice going to the gods for them to defend Aztlan...
• Priests of Tlaloc have made pilgrimage across the land, claiming that mortals have overstepped their boundaries and have angered the god of storms. Sacrifices are made, and appeasement is attempted, but for some reason, nothing seems to be working, and violent storms devastate cities, and rivers swell and drown entire jungles in floodwater. As times become more desperate, the gods struggle to maintain the balance of earth, and the more mortals struggle and fails to cull their numbers, the angrier the storm god gets. Eventually, something terrible rises from the sea, Tlaloc's true child, the Tarrasque, that has come to wipe mortals off the face of the earth. 
• The Tzitzimimeh have come once more, but this time, their target is not the material plane. Instead, they attack Mictlan, realm of the dead, and after crippling Mictlantecuhtli and Xolotl, the queen of Tzitzimimeh, Itzpapalotl, hurls open the gates of Mictlan and allows the souls of the dead to invade the earth in her stead. These ravenous undead are hungry for hearts and souls are eager to quench the last remaining points of sunlight within mortals. As the hordes of the dead clash against the living, the final countdown is at hand to the next, and possibly final eclipse, when the Tzitzimimeh descend and enjoy the buffet.

- Kephn

Deadly Premonition Review

Art by Semsei, who made it onto the official box art for the director's cut.

It's been a while since I've dug into a video game, largely because this year has been a very busy one and my gaming hours have been extremely limited. Among the various games I have played however, none stuck out in my mind like this one. Masterminded by the....interesting Japanese director SWERY, Deadly Premonition is a genuinely unique experience. It's a game like very few others, and while it does have its flaws (oh boy does it have its flaws), I can genuinely say that every gamer who likes video games for their stories should give this a try. Obviously, because this is a primarily story based game, prepare for big, unmarked spoilers. Also, I was playing the director's cut for the game, which was recently released for PC on Steam, which I'm told makes the pretty jumbled mess of a story a bit more coherent. So without further ado, lets dig into Deadly Premonition.

Story

Our main character folks. Not pictured: his imaginary friend Zach.

Deadly Premonition's story is.....surreal. Let me start by saying that if you've seen Twin Peaks (another fantastic show in its own right), it's going to look very familiar. A weird, eccentric FBI agent comes to the small town of Greenvale, investigating the murder of a girl, Anna Graham. He meets up with a wide variety of quirky, bizarre townspeople. What those sentences fails to capture is the sheer, mind-boggling strangeness of the atmosphere that goes into the game. In an otherwise fairly cut and dry detective story, the main character is introduced speeding down a highway in the middle of a thunderstorm at night, laptop open in one hand, talking to his boss about Tom and Jerry's codependent sadomasochistic relationship on a cellphone with the other, and talking to his imaginary friend. Now, if that sounds like a strange way to introduce a character, you haven't seen anything yet, because the entire game is carried on the surreal, probably insane, but good-hearted FBI Agent Francis York Morgan (York for short).

Zach feels you man, zach feels you.

York is a character that would easily fall into the trap of being weird for the sake of being weird, and while I like characters like that in small portions, to have him as the main character might be pushing it a little bit. I never expected to like York this much, but from the first moment this loony opens his mouth, he's captured my heart. One of the main things he does is talk to 'Zach', his imaginary friend, who at first glance is almost certainly the player, which actually gave me a strange sense of connection with the character. York is a bit of an abrasive individual, but he confides his private thoughts and opinions with Zach, not just about the case at hand, but about his life in general. It gives the player an oddly intimate view into York's mind, and made me, at least feel a bit better about him annoying the locals.

York is a cool guy and he rambles on about his favorite movies and punk bands during car rides and speaks in hilariously surreal non-sequiturs, and has some very strange ideas about investigating a murder case, but as you get to know the guy, you find that every one of his odd quirks actually makes sense in the end. On top of that, it helps that while York can be a bit of an arrogant douchebag, he actually is totally right, and is pretty much the only guy in town who can keep on top of the situation. It's nice to see a character with reasonable flaws, like his arrogant city-slicker attitude and borderline insanity coupled with a genuine, compassionate desire to do good. He's strange, but he's unabashedly on the side of the angels and we get to spend the game as his best friend in his head.

Greenvale sure seems like a nice place to live, if not for all those serial murders.

The supporting cast is solid as well. Each one of the townsfolk has a clearly defined personality, and as an open-world game, they go about their own business, just like a real, living town. There's even a mechanic where you can spy on them through building windows and see what they're doing on their own time. Each one is pretty easy to get along with, but with one odd, defining quirk that makes them stand out. There's the weirdo rich dude in the wheelchair who wears a gas-mask everywhere, and his assistant who seems to speak only in rhyme. There's the hilariously named 'Raging Bull' who runs the gas station, and his incredibly sleazy wife, 'Rosy Lips' Gina. There's the ever insufferable sapling salesman and his adorable pet dalmatian. The range of these characters really make the story come to life and add to the paranoia that any one of these could be the mysterious Raincoat Killer. All of them even have their own personal sidequests and York can even get yelled at if he spends too much time doing fetch-jobs for the locals rather than focusing on the case. 

The story itself is a weird, not-quite-comedy, not-quite-horror thriller centering around the Raincoat Killer. Basically, without ruining too much, the people of Greenvale have an urban legend of a serial killer who only emerges when it's raining, and someone seems to be trying to make that a reality. As women drop left and right, York and his quirky sidekicks from the police team have to try and find this dickface and bring him to justice. The start of the story, as I mentioned before, draws heavily (some would say a bit too heavily) on Twin Peaks, but pretty quickly grows into its own identity. It plays out like a jigsaw puzzle, forcing the player to try and figure our what's real, who's guilty, and most important of all, how much of this is just York being a lunatic. 

The story progresses along with an odd kind of dream logic. The tone of the game jumps back and forth, from investigating a grisly murder to having lunch with your police buddies, but it all fits with together with this near indefinable charm. It's actually quite impressive how easily the game can turn a completely innocent scene into something horrifying, but when it comes to the writers, they are top notch. Despite the silliness, everything is foreshadowed well, and all comes into play like a chaotic puzzle that somehow fits together. 

Now, it's impossible to analyze the endgame without going into GAME RUINING SPOILERS, so if you plan to play the game, don't read beyond this sentence.

The end of the game basically crosses the border directly into science fiction. It's revealed that the murders were orchestrated by the aforementioned sapling salesman, who is apparently some kind of extradimensional tree demon (oh and also injured a young York and killed his parents.) Now, I liked that, because I thought it fit in with the game's very strange, dreamlike story, but how quickly it jumped into that can be a bit jarring. All of the above is only revealed in the last section before the final boss, and before that, everything is connected to the creepy cult George is leading and controlling with the Red Seeds. 

What makes all this worth it, however, is the reveal at the end, which I will not spoil, but rest assured, it puts all of York's oddities into perspective and makes the character from an amusing but ultimately shallow joke into something incredibly complex. It makes the player want to try the whole game over again, and that's something very few games have ever had me do. Top marks.

Gameplay

York, this is Zach your friend. TURN AROUND.

So, that was a long section, wasn't it? The reason for that is that Deadly Premonition's story is very much it's highest point. The gameplay is where the game shoots itself in the foot. Now, I'll start by saying that there are several kinds of bad games, games that are bad because they're lazy, and the developers didn't give a shit, and games that are bad because the developers tried to put too much stuff in, and Deadly Premonition is definitely in the latter category. I'll say, I'm a lot more forgiving of games like that. I like a game that tries to push itself, and even if the experiment doesn't work, it's still interesting to see where it can go. It cannot be helped though, that Deadly Premonition has a lot of dumb stuff that doesn't need to be there.

See that map? That's all the map you get, and it rotates with the damn car.

Now, let me start with the open world. Deadly Premonition's map is HUGE. Not quite Skyrim huge, but huge nonetheless. The primary way of traversing this enormous map is by car, which is simultaneously one of my favourite and most annoying parts of the game. The car trips have cool music, especially when you unlock the bonus cars that belong to characters. They're also a lot of fun because you can hear York babble on about his favourite movies like a madman. What makes them infuriating is the fact that cars have a life-bar and fuel, both of which run out really quickly. I don't know who's idea it was to implement this stupid feature in an open world game, where you will spend sizable amounts of time driving from place to place, but it's telling that any time you need to go somewhere storyline critical, the game just disables these features, like its admitting that they're a waste of time. 

The second major problem with this is the map. That map in the image up there? That's what you get for pressing the 'map' button. To look at the full map, you need to go into the pause menu, and select it, and when you're in a hurry, let me tell you that it's more frustrating than it sounds. The minimap up there is tiny, and both maps have this infuriating tendency to rotate in relation to the player. I have never seen a game who's map does that, but it's horrid, and makes the constant map checking and annoying music in Postal 2 look like a godsend.  

Get used to these enemies, because we see them for the entire game,
with absolutely ZERO explanation.

Combat is another glaring nail in the game's coffin, and, to be fair, it was never meant to be in the game in the first place. This might not be true, but I'm told SWERY was forced to put these silly sections in, but he really just made them the worst they possibly could be. Every time we get to a plot point, York remarks 'they're here, Zach,' and gets teleported to a totally-not-Silent-Hill dimension filled with incredibly tacky looking red-vine assets. The main enemies in these areas, confusingly unnamed and unacknowledged, even by York or any other character, are shambling, ghost-like beings with blacked-out eyes. Now, these would be kinda creepy if they weren't incredibly easy to kill. The game gives stronger enemies later, but all these sections just serve to pointlessly pad the game time. There's no challenge to them, and each of these sections are filled with insultingly easy puzzles and allow you (I shit you not) to actually sleep to regenerate your health and shave so you don't grow a hobo-beard while in another dimension. 

When these segments are done, York is teleported back to the real world with scarcely a word, and none of the characters mention it again, making these sections entirely pointless from a narrative standpoint. In fact, these raise more questions that don't need to be raised, as near the end of the game, you have a chance to play as some of the other characters, and they have to fight freaky zombie-ghosts as well, and even then none of them comment on it, and the game ends with no closure to it at all. Now, I don't care of SWERY was forced. This is downright lazy and a slap in the face to the player. It's literally like interrupting a really good movie every half hour to make you play a tedious Silent Hill tribute flash game. The assets looks amateurish even by the standards of this game (and that's saying something) and overall, it feels tacked on at the last minute.

Get ready to see screens like this a lot as well.

Because no shitty, forced action sequence in a horror game would be complete without obnoxious quick time events, and for the vast majority of the game, that's the closest we get to having a boss fight. At times in the netherworld, the Raincoat Killer (whether it's really him or some kind of projection in his form is unclear) will appear and you'll have to hide from him by holding your breath (for some reason). This will culminate in a scene where he chases you, and you have to pass several QTE's or die, and you'll have to start the whole segment again. These segments, unskippable cutscenes and all, can take up to a minute, and considering how annoying these QTE's are, and how many you have to succeed in a row, you'll be seeing those bits A LOT. That's not tense, it stops being tense after the first time, and it takes the player out of the flow of the action so they can memorize a series of keys. I shouldn't have to tell you why that's bad for a supposedly suspenseful moment. 

Conclusion

There's not a lot about Deadly Premonition that sits as a nice middle ground. The stuff it does (primarily the story, dialogue and characters) it does really, really well. The stuff it messes up (Combat and travel and lots of pointless shit) it messes up hard. Overall though, Deadly Premonition is an important game. You can tell that it's a labor of love for its creator, and there's so much heart and detail that gets put in that you can see that everyone involved had to have enjoyed making it. While it was buggy, the graphics weren't spectacular and some of the mechanics were frustrating to say the least, I came out of the game happy to have experienced it. It's a game that genuinely isn't like any other for better or for worse, and it is one of the few games I've played that really surprised me, and made me love each of the characters and made me sad to see them go. Without sounding too pretentious, Deadly Premonition really was a beautiful mess, rough around the edges but with more than enough heart and soul to make up for it, and should be seen as a milestone for story-driven games everywhere. 

Final Ratings

Storyline: 4/5 - Starts out very derivative but comes into its own in time.

Characters: 5/5 - Memorable, amusing, real, and most of all, likable.

Atmosphere: 4/5 - Manages to swerve between horror and slice-of-life comedy without cheapening either.

Level Design: 3/5 - Kinda samey and with very easy puzzles. 

Combat: 1/5 - Just. Awful. Should have been cut out of the game entirely. 

Fun Factor: 4/5 - Great story and characters more than make up for annoying mechanics.

Overall Rating: 4/5 - Definitely a must try for people interested in story-based games. 

- Kephn